Friday, April 07, 2006

The Eulogy of Ronald McDonald

Ronald McDonald was the giving tree for children around the world - known second only to Santa Claus among US schoolchildren. Most children believe Ronald was kind, funny, gentle and understanding. Ronald, of course, was all of this.

He was best known for recreating his own life for children - modified with slides and ball-pits – where children could play and be safe. Often, children would cry to their parents if they could not shake his hand, or sit on his lap. Ronald helped build more playgrounds and give away more toys than any other private entity in the world. In Ronald’s proudest moment of his career, he created the famed Ronald McDonald Houses, which are an oasis for the families of sick children. The mission of making children happy consumed most of Ronald’s personal life. Although, with the few friends he kept, he was just as caring towards them.

When Birdie the Early Bird fell from the sky in a giant egg, Ronald instantly loved that egg, and welcomed Birdie to McDonaldland. When Birdie hatched, she never wanted to fly away. Then there’s Grimace - that lovable, purple, amorphous blob. Grimace was Ronald’s best friend, and though he was as sharp as, well… an amorphous blob, he trusted Ronald, and Ronald was always there for him. Ronald was also active in politics, and was a good friend to Mayor McCheese and Big Mac, the chief of police of McDonaldland. The fact is - Ronald could never stop trying to make other people happy.

And perhaps this was the downfall of Ronald. When Ronald was young, he stumbled across a burger joint. He liked how happy this food made people and became a partner. He even brought the food into his personal life to make sure his friends would never have to worry about eating. Grimace, his best friend, soon became addicted to drinking the milk shakes Ronald bought him. Ronald began to think something was wrong.

Four years ago, Ronald found out that the very company he had worked with to provide happiness to children was also knowingly responsible for spreading obesity, heart disease and strokes to millions of children and adults. THEY (point) had lied to Ronald in the deepest way possible. Grimace, was also just going in for a triple bypass at that time. For the next four years, Ronald fell into a severe depression and eventually, the pain was so great that Ronald broke his own heart for good with his clenched fist at the age of 42.

Today, we stand here to fight back at the corporate greed that promises children a better world, at the sacrifice of old age. Today, we strike back, and the lies WILL end. THEY have taken Ronald (point), but united; we will take back the health we once knew in this world, and no longer be short of breath while doing so.

Now, let us all observe a moment of silence for Ronald.


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